Part 1:
Sittin on the front porch, in the warm summer sun,
Keeping very still, 'cause I want to have some fun,
Waiting for my victim, five, four, three, two, one --
If I had a rocking lawn chair,
If I had a rocking lawn chair,
If I had a rocking lawn chair,
Some kitty's tail is done.
We've gone to the convention, the convention's gone to Hell,
We're getting lots of grief from, the staff of this hotel,
We need a Lilliputian, who knows just what to yell --
If I had a pocket con-chair,
If I had a pocket con-chair,
If I had a pocket con-chair,
This con would be just swell.
Part 2:
("Grade 9" section)
At the Rio Lacuntun, a hundred thousand wait,
Dying of starvation, or some less humane fate,
Cry for Guatemala with a corpse at every gate,
If I had a rocket launcher, I'd retaliate,
If I had a rocket launcher, I'd retaliate,
If I had a rocket launcher, I wouldn't hesitate.
("If I Had A Million Dollars" section)
Here comes the helicopter (Here comes the helicopter),
Second time today (It's still tryin' to find a good place to park),
Everybody scatters (Everybody scatters),
And hope it goes away (Y'ever try cleaning up copter poop?),
How many kids they've murdered (That weren't watching Teletubbies),
Only God can say (He'll be on Jerry Springer next week),
If I had a rocket launcher,
I'd make someone pay...
If I had a rocket launcher (Not Van Halen's rockin' long-hair),
If I had a rocket launcher (Not Pete Sampras's racket lunge here),
If I had a rocket lau-au-u-aun-cher, I-I-I'd kill...
Some son of a bitch.
