The Sinister Cavortings of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III - Tom Smith

DR. MALLEVO

And who are you, sir?

PROF. CARSTAIRS

How did you get into our secret lair?

SIR WILFRED

Oh, I've been a member in good standing for seventeen years now.

MAD SCIENTIST

I don't recall seeing you here before.

SIR WILFRED

Naturally not. I've made a point of keeping low to the ground

until it suited me otherwise... eh, which it does now.

I'm Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins the Third,

MAD SCIENTISTS

Who's that? Not a clue. Huffelwhat?

SIR WILFRED

There's a reason that of me you never have heard,

I'm subtle, whereas you are not.

DR. MALLEVO

Now wait just a moment, you fat ball of grime,

Everyone here works hidden, unseen,

Advancing the causes of science and crime --

SIR WILFRED

Advancing your egos, you mean!

You're much too bombastic, you cackle, you gloat,

To show off, you'll go any length,

And you're caught. By inferiors. Grabbed by the throat...

Whereas I... I have built up my strength.

MAD SCIENTISTS

This is preposterous! Did you not hear of my army of mutant wombats with opposable thumbs?

Or my scheme to replace every banana in the tropics with plantains?

PROF. CARSTAIRS

Or my ultrasonic carrier wave that could disintegrate the world's undergarments?

SIR WILFRED

Ah, yes. How did the press refer to you? Captain Commando.

You simply don't get it. You don't understand

Concepts too simple for your huge brains.

With each loss I've suffered, or victory I've planned,

No evidence of me remains.

The heroes don't know of me, nor the police,

No record exists of my name.

And so now, for years, they have left me in peace,

To plan out the ultimate game.

Behold!

MAD SCIENTISTS

Good god!

A mechanical army!

I've never seen androids so sophisticated!

PROF. CARSTAIRS

Well, there was that Catherine Zeta-Jones model...

MAD SCIENTIST

There must be fifty of them!

DR. MALLEVO

Sixty.

SIR WILFRED

Five dozen robots, each keyed to a hero,

Inexorable in their pursuit.

And when they should touch, let's just say... ground zero

At Hiroshima will seem rather cute.

Each poor hero's private dimensional vortex

Will fling him to some nether realm,

While conveniently scrambling his cerebral cortex...

Leaving us to assume the world's helm.

MAD SCIENTIST

It's Brilliant!

DR. MALLEVO

Visionary!

MAD SCIENTIST

We must announce it at once!

PROF. CARSTAIRS

Deliver an ultimatum!

SIR WILFRED

No, you fools! Haven't you heard a word I've said?

The key to success is in keeping it quiet

Until we are ready to strike.

Our plans will collapse into ruin and riot

If one of you gets on a mic.

We lure all our targets with slick verbal pablum,

To someplace benign, without care,

Then catch them, entrap them, and finally zap them,

And without the heroes, their armies will fall,

You can unleash each gimmick and minion and thrall,

By dawn the next day we'll have conquered it all.

MAD SCIENTISTS

At last we'll be rid of those meddlesome good guys,

The playing field finally fair.

They'll vanish so fast, there'll be no time for goodbyes,

And the world will be mine!

No, mine!

No, mine!

No, mine!

DR. MALLEVO

No, mine!

SIR WILFRED

Ahem. MINE!

But I'll share.