You Never Call Me By My Real Name - Tom Smith

ANGELA

George?

WAFFLE

Angela! Don't call me that!

ANGELA

It's your name, silly.

WAFFLE

Not when I'm in uniform.

ANGELA

It's not a uniform, it's a costume.

WAFFLE

Uniform.

ANGELA

George...

WAFFLE

You never call me by my real name.

ANGELA

What? I use it twenty times a day.

WAFFLE

No! You call me "George"!

ANGELA

Well, that's what you're called.

WAFFLE

But it isn't what you should say.

ANGELA

Well, I'm not going to call you "The Waffle",

It's a silly name for fighting crimes.

It won't terrorize the unlawful,

And "awful" is the only other word-that-rhymes.

WAFFLE

I know it's not dramatic, I might've been mistaken,

But all the really nifty superhero names were taken,

I'm quick and fortitudinous, I think it's worth a shot,

ANGELA

You're impulsive and you're ludicrous!

WAFFLE

So I'll work with what I've got!

ANGELA

It's so hard sometimes, 'cause I do respect

And even understand this drive.

And it isn't fair of me to object,

But I hope you'll get out of it alive.

You're a gentle, kind, and funny lout,

And I want to share your life,

But I dread that the headlines will one day shout,

"Waffle cut in restaurant by a knife".

WAFFLE

You've been saving that one up, haven't you?

ANGELA

Variations leap to mind all too easily. But, I'll hang on to 'em for a day or two. After you're back from Britain.

WAFFLE

Britain? What's going on in --

ANGELA

It's all over the news. Something's happened to the Hero League. You may be the last hero on Earth.

WAFFLE

My god, I've got to help them.

ANGELA

Which is why you're the last hero on Earth.

WAFFLE

You stay safe till I get back, huh?

ANGELA

Just be sure you get back.

GEORGE

Love you, Angela.

ANGELA

Love you, George.

It's a stupid name, but it fits so well,

For you never knew what you could be,

But when you're in costume, your uncertain shell

Fades away, and a hero's all I see.

You don't want big money, you don't want fame,

You just want to help humanity,

And so, even though I don't like that name...

It's yours. Bring it home to me.

DR. MALLEVO People of earth: Fear us! Your heroes are gone forever! Either turn the world over to us, or we will wreak a devastation beyond your most frightened imaginings!

NEWSCASTER

... surrounding Wimbledon, where the villains are headquartered. The energy shield was lowered briefly to allow them to fire a weapon, which transformed a division of tanks into styrofoam, and a team of military sharpshooters into toddlers wearing soft pastel jammies with footies. The standstill continues, with reports that someone was sneaking into Wimbledon while the shield was down...